AS OF NOW I WILL NO LONGER BE UPDATING THIS GUIDE
I’ll start by going in order of missions and adding extras as needed by editing the TBA (to be added) as soon as I can review the information
Leave any information you can in the comments fill in and I’ll add it in when I can
——The Scope Out——
Difficulty: Very Easy
Time: About 10 minutes
Description: the player must scope out as many points of interest if the can for the most options
Miscellaneous:
Vallet Security guard Purple keypad Inside (dome) camera Outside (box) camera Vault Blueprints (in mrs bakers office)(requires casino penthouse, or a friend with said penthouse)
Access points:
Ground (3)
Main entrance (west) Waste disposal (north) Staff lobby (east)
Roof terrace (4)
2 doors on the north side 2 doors on the east side
Roof (2)
North helipad South helipad
Underground (2)
Security tunnel (under dirt track) Sewer (the drainage ditch by the casino, there’s an entrance at the beginning of it, head down until you see some metal bars that would lead under the casino)
-important notes-
Once you have discovered every point of interest available in this setup, you won’t be able to do this setup for other heist because all poi’s are now permanently unlocked
——Vault contents ——
Difficulty: Very Easy
Time: about 5 minutes
Description: You are trying to find your target, the valuables you’ll be stealing during the heist To start this setup, you hack a guards phone to get into the casino’s system and then enter the casino to walk around and find a strong enough signal for Lester to hack into the cameras BE SURE YOU FULLY ROTATE ALL 6 CAMERAS TO THE TO UNLOCK THE REST OF THE POI’S, if already unlocked all poi’s just skip to the vault camera.
When scouting out the target it is completely random chance what you will be stealing from the casino
Cash is the basic takes and take a while to grab, but it can still pay about 2.1million Normal and 2.4million Hard total (minus crew cuts)
Paintings have better value and are the quickest to grab, to get them you must cut out the paintings but again this is really fast so you might be able to get a cheaper hacker or spend the extra time grabbing lock boxes, with this take you can make about ??million Normal and 2.7million Hard (minus crew cuts)
Gold has great value, it takes time to grab just like cash but is also a lot heavier, this means you can no longer jump but the reward is worth it because it can pay about ??million Normal and 2.8million Hard (minus crew cuts)
There’s also a glitch to get a lot more gold off one tray so abuse it before it gets patched
Diamonds have the greatest value and have just been officially added to the loot pool, you grab trays of diamonds like you would cash or gold and they are worth about ??million Normal and ??million Hard (minus crew cuts)
———Crew members and Characters———
These are free mode missions and secrets that can affect the casino heist by giving access to new characters and crew
There is also the standard crew for comparison
——Optional Characters——
Yung Ancestor
Difficulty: Very Easy
Time: 2 minutes
Effect: adds another route to “The Big Con” Description: Head to the casino and go up to the roof terrace to enter a cutscene with the celebrity, afterwards Lester will contact him to ask if he would like to be involved with the job, a few minutes later you will get a call from Yung Ancestor saying he will help but needs a few favors to trust you
Find the rest of this missions details at the “Setups” section
——Hackers——
—Rickie Lukens—
Cut: 3%
Skill: Poor
Requirements: None
Vault time when undetected: TBA
Vault time when detected: about 1 minute 30 seconds
Notes: Please do not even consider using rickie
—Yohan Blair—
Cut: 5%
Skill: Good
Requirements: None
Vault time when undetected: TBA
Vault time when detected: TBA
Notes: TBA
—Christian Feltz—
Cut: 7%
Skill: Good
Requirements: None
Vault time when undetected: TBA
Vault time when detected: TBA
Notes: Use this character if you don’t have access to the next two
—Paige (Unlockable)—
Cut: 9%
Skill: Expert
Requirements: own a terrorbyte
Vault time when undetected: TBA
Vault time when detected: TBA
Notes: this is the best character to use since she is slightly cheaper then Avi
—Avi (Unlockable)—
Cut: 10%
Skill: Expert +
Requirements: “Destroy Signal Jammers” Free mode mission
Difficulty: Easy
Time: 20-40 minutes
Description: destroy all 50 signal jammers hidden across San Andreas for money and Avi’s services (guides available on YouTube)
Vault time when undetected: TBA
Vault time when detected: TBA
Notes: This character is great but if you have Paige use her since she’s slightly cheaper, the difference in time is minuscule
——Drivers——
(Unknown: unlockable) TBA this character has not been found yet
—Karim—
Cut: 5%
Skill: TBA
Requirements: None
Vehicle selection:
Sentinel Classic (best choice)
Weeni Issi Classic
Asbo (worst choice)
Kanjo
Notes: This driver is the best to pick, they always leave the cars as close to the staff lobby as they can
—TBA—
Cut: TBA
Skill: TBA
Requirements: None
Vehicle selection: TBA
Notes: TBA
—TBA—
Cut: TBA
Skill: TBA
Requirements: None
Vehicle selection: TBA
Notes: TBA
—Chester McCoy—
Cut: 10%
Skill: Expert
Requirements: None
Vehicle selection:
Vagrant
Everon
Zhaba
Outlaw
Notes: TBA
——Gunners——
—Karl Abolaji—
Cut: 5%
Skill: Poor
Requirements: None
Weapon selection:
TBA
Smg and molotovs (aggressive)
Micro smg (Big Con)
Double barrel shotgun (Big Con)
Notes: TBA
—Charlie Reed—
Cut: 7%
Skill: Good
Requirements: None
Weapon selection:
TBA
Machine Pistol (Big Con)
Sweeper Shotgun (Big Con)
Notes: TBA
—Patrick “Packie” McReary (unlockable)—
Cut: 8%
Skill: Expert
Weapon selection:
TBA
Compact rifle (Big con)
Sawed off shotgun (Big con)
Combat MG MKII (Aggressive)
Difficulty: Easy-Medium
Time: Random Chance
Requirements: “Rescue Patrick” Free mode mission
Description: find a police van blaring it’s siren driving around Los Santos and Blaine county, when close enough a blue arrow will appear over the van and a blue dot will show up on your map indicating the vans location, by getting even closer Packie will ask you to help him and another person to “give us a hand?” The implication here is he wants you to steal the van and drive it
the way to go about this is just to shoot the van enough and it will eventually stop, allowing you to steal it and bring it to Packie’s safe house at Vespucci beach,
Notes: there is a 5 minute time limit that begins when you enter the van
Packie has the best weapon selection in aggressive but this does not outweigh how much he cost this is player choice
—Gustavo Mota—
Cut: 9%
Skill: Expert
Requirements: None
Weapon selection:
Carbine rifle (Big Con)
Assault shotgun (Big Con)
Notes: TBA
—Chester McCoy—
Cut: 10%
Skill: Expert
Requirements: None
Weapon selection:
TBA
SMG MKII (Big Con)
Bullpup Rifle MKII (Big Con)
Notes: not recommended because of cost
——Approaches——
It’s recommended to have 3 or 4 players for the best take
—SILENT AND SNEAKY—
Stealth difficulty: Hard
Loud Difficulty: Medium-Hard
Time: 15-20 minutes (minus restarts)
Description: Silent and sneaky is one of the stealth approaches, you go inside with tactical gear, night vision, suppressed weapons, tasers, and an emp bomb (if the setup is complete) that the host can activate (explained below) This hiest allows you to slip in undetected and you can still slip out undetected.
-Things to note-
When you enter the vault you will have a certain amount of time depending on your hacker and whether or not you are detected by the time you arrive to the vault, if you fail to leave the vault before the timer hits “0” gas will fill the vault and the alarm will trigger
Guards will be alerted to the following: seeing you, shooting a guard without a headshot (they yell), killing a guard next to another, a dead body, a bullet flying past them, a bullet hitting a wall, a guard watching you destroy a camera, and hearing unsuppressed gunfire
The casino will raise the alarm for the following: a guard being alerted, a camera spotting you, a camera spotting a dead body destroying more then one camera, and not leaving the vault before the clock hits “0”
Guards are oblivious to the following: getting a headshot or stealth melee even if the guard yells, destroyed cameras, the sound of broken glass, and the sight of broken glass
You can disable cameras with the taser, but they will come back online, you can also shoot and destroy one camera but destroy any more and the alarm will sound
If the host completed the EMP setup, they will have access to a phone app named “Detonate EMP” this will set off the EMP of course knocking out all electricity for about 1-2 minutes, this includes: cameras, locked doors, elevators, and lights (this will make guards have a really small cone of vision)
-Important notes-
Triggering the EMP does not raise the alarm (credit goes to
u/Aleapp2556 for discovering this)
Not breaking stealth until outside will give an award
You can restart the heist at anytime by running out of lives
-Best plan of attack-
Enter the south helipad
Exit the staff lobby
High level buyer
Decoy driver (optional, lowers how many stars you have)
-Steps-
Enter the cargobob
Parachute to the casino
Rappel down the elevator shaft
(You are now in the staff lobby)
Take out everyone quietly
Proceed to elevator
(You are now at vault security)
Take out the remaining guards quietly
Enter the mantrap
Drill open the vault
(You are now in the vault and the timer has started)
Grab as much loot as possible, Dedicate one person to hacking
Leave before the timer ends
Exit the mantrap
Take the elevator or stairs up
(Alarm is now raised, but you are still undetected)
Take out the remaining guards and exit through the staff lobby
Get in the getaway car
Race to Paleto Bay
Escape the cops
Finish the heist
-Overall-
the hiest is slow and very difficult so this may not be the best option for grinding
—AGGRESSIVE—
Difficulty: Medium
Time: 8-11 minutes (minus restarts)
Aggressive is loud and violent, you shoot your way to the vault, blow it open, melt open the gates and steal the loot
-Things to note-
This heist is extremely fast compared to the other two approaches, it can be and has been done in under 9 minutes with high level buyers
there are no drills or hack in the vault itself, just explosives and thermal charges
You can restart the heist at anytime by running out of lives
-Best plan of attack-
Enter sewer(you blow a hole right into the security-room just before the mantrap leading to the vault)
Exit staff lobby
High level buyers
Gunner decoy (optional, but lowers your stars)
-Steps-
Blow into the vault security room from the sewers
(You are now in the vault security room)
Enter the man trap
Blow open the vault
(You are now in the vault)
Set off a thermal before you start grabbing and try to just get everything you can
Exit the vault
Exit the mantrap
Go to the staff lobby via elevator
Exit staff lobby
(At this point stealth no longer matters)
Enter getaway cars
Race to paleto bay
Escape police
Finish heist
-Overall-
this heist is fast and effective and I recommend cycling between both this and the big con
—THE BIG CON—
Stealth Difficulty: Easy or Medium-Hard (depends on route)
Loud difficultly: Hard
Time: 10-13 minutes (minus restarts)
The Big Con is the another stealth approach, but it’s less stealth and more lies and deceit, you use disguises to get your way into the casino with all your tools and equipment needed for the job
-Important things to note-
You only have a ceramic pistol unless you pick up your stashed weapons, but if you pick up those weapons you can no longer pass through metal detectors
Your weapons are not suppressed
Gruppe sechs can get inside the vault no problem
You unlock the ceramic pistol after you are done HOSTING The Big Con
Not breaking disguise until outside will give an award
You can restart the heist at anytime by running out of lives
-Best plan of attack-
Enter Gruppe sechs disguises
Exit noose disguises
Enter security tunnel
Exit staff lobby
High level buyer
Gunner decoy (lowers stars, only helpful if you are actually caught)
-steps-
Enter the security tunnel as gruppe sechs
Park the van
Get into the elevator
(You are now in the vault security room)
Walk on by the guards
Enter the man trap
A lone guard lets you into the vault, you knock him out
(You are now in the vault)
Grab the loot, mind the hacking, one mess up and the alarm goes off
Exit the vault
exit the mantrap
Take the stairs
(Alarm is raised but no one knows where you are)
Take the route to the laundry room
Change outfits
Exit staff lobby NOT MAIN ENTRANCE
(At this point stealth no longer matters)
Get to getaway vehicles
Race to paleto bay
Escape cops
Finish heist
-Overall-
this heist is very clean and quick if you do it right, id recommend doing this and aggressive if you really want to grind it
——About undetected——
When you sneak into the vault undetected you gain bonus time to grab even more loot then you would if the alarm was raised, failure to leave the vault before the gas is released will raise the alarm;
but you still received the bonus time to grab the loot anyhow, so it’s all up to you to either get the extra few lootables or make a clean getaway
——Hard Mode——
Hard mode (just like in normal heist) gives bigger cut with less lives, but this also buffs the security of the place
The way you access hard mode is by playing through a heist (we’ll say aggressive) and then the next (the big con), after playing aggressive it will become locked and unplayable so you have to pick another approach like big con, after that heist is done aggressive will unlock but it will still be “too hot” this is hard mode and will give a bigger cut for a harder heist that’s why it’s best to cycle between both aggressive and big con
——Heist crew——
For the best take each time you need to select the perfect members for the job
-Gunner-
Cheapest gunner all the way avoid shotguns
-Drivers-
If you want more money chose the cheapest driver and pick the sentinel classic, but if you want the trade prices for all the new vehicles you’ll need to use them during a heist
-Hacker-
Now unlike the other two, an expensive hacker is necessary for this job, this person will provide you with more time in the vault, this is where Paige and Avi come in handy
——Setups——
Setups are needed to find the materials necessary to pull off this job, some are mandatory and you cannot start the job with out them, some are optional and can be avoided but also can be the difference between dealing with a few enemies or a few mini-juggernauts
-Weapons-  Need: Mandatory
Difficulty: Easy
Time: 5-8 minutes
Description: The player needs to steal untraceable weapons for the job, a pistol, a main weapon, and a piece of equipment depending on the approach
-Getaway vehicles-
Need: Mandatory
Difficulty: Easy
Time: 3-8 minutes
Description: The player needs to steal 2 vehicles that have just been imported into the US and bring them back to the arcade, if the cars are badly damaged you will have to pay a small fee to repair then on delivery
Important notes
The vehicles can be upgraded with
Level 1: bulletproof tires 10k (recommended)
Level 2: max brakes and transmission and level 1 upgrades 15k
Level 3: turbo and max engine plus level 1&2 upgrades 25k
-Hacking device-
Need: Mandatory
Difficulty: Easy
Time: 5 minutes
Description: the player(s) go to a location being investigated by the FIB, the player(s) need to kill the FIB agents
Important notes
You can be in a guards vision but not for too long
Once you have the device and take the elevator down the guards will begin to shoot you
-Vault key cards-
Need: Mandatory
Difficulty: Easy
Time: 3-7 minutes
Description: the player(s) need to go to 2 separate locations and knock out or kill two security guards on their time off to steal their key cards
-Patrol routes-
Need: Optional
Usefulness for Sneaky and Silent: Needed
Usefulness for Aggressive: not necessary
Usefulness for The Big Con: Helpful
Difficulty: Easy
Time: 2-5 minutes
Description: the player(s) need to go to a parking lot where security guards have gathered, the player(s) will be looking for a car with a certain license plate that Lester will send, Once the player(s) find the car, they will need to open the trunk, take a picture, and send it to Lester
Important notes
This mission can be done by stealth
The car is always a black or light brown Falon GT convertible
-Dugan shipments-
Need: Optional
Usefulness for all heist: Absolutely Required
Difficulty: Medium
Time: less then 10 minutes
Description: The player(s) go around all of San Andreas to destroy 10 security shipments for the casino’s guards (this includes vans, boats, and helicopters)
Effect: for every couple of shipment destroyed, the guards armor will become weaker
No shipments destroy: every guard will have the health of a Cliffford Cyborg juggernaut
7 shipments destroyed: Health of a NOOSE squad member
10 shipments destroyed: Heath of a cop with body armor (3 Star wanted level officer)
Important notes
It is recommended to have 2 players in weaponized vehicles to destroy all the shipments
-Security Intel-
Need: Optional
Usefulness for Sneaky and Silent: Needed
Usefulness for Aggressive: not necessary
Usefulness for The Big Con: Helpful
Difficulty: N/A
Time: N/A
Description: The player needs to own a casino penthouse and do all casino missions for mrs baker
Effect: allows players to know the locations and vision of all cameras in the casino
Important notes
Once this setup is completed once it will be completed permanently
-Power drills-
Need: optional
Usefulness for all heist: Player’s choice but not necessary
Difficulty: Easy
Time: 5-8 minutes
Description: the player must steal power drills from a construction site by stealing a van and delivering it to the arcade
Effect: Gives the ability to drill open safety deposit boxes for a little bonus money (does not outweigh the main target in value)
Important notes
These missions can be completed by using non lethal tactics
-Security key cards-
Need: optional
Usefulness for all heist: absolutely required
Difficulty: Easy
Time: 5-8 minutes
Description: the player must steal a security key card from a casino staff member
Effect Card Level 1: has the ability to give you access to few doors and access points, but nothing else in the higher security areas, those points will need to be hacked
Effect Card Level 2: gives player full access to all casino doors and elevators other then those in the vault
(A level 2 keycard is highly recommend and should be used in every single heist)
——Approach specific setups——
Some setups are specific to certain approaches and can be mandatory or optional
—Silent and Sneaky Setups—
-Vault Laser Drills-
Need: Mandatory
Difficulty: TBA
Time: TBA
Description: the player(s) need to steal 2 military grade laser drills to drill open the vault door
-TBA-
-TBA-
-EMP-
Need: optional
Usefulness: helpful
The player uses a cargo bob to carefully steal a EMP bomb and deliver it to the power station just across the road from the casino
Effect: give the host the ability to call the EMP to detonate it, this will shut down all electronics and lights for 1-2minutes, this mean cameras, locked doors, and metal detectors will be shut off during this time, and since the lights are off the guards have limited visibility, about 1 foot of vision in front of them
Important notes
Triggering the EMP does not raise the alarm (credit goes to
u/Aleapp2556 for discovering this)
—Aggressive Setups—
-Vault explosives-
Need: Mandatory
Difficulty: Easy-Medium
Time: 8-18 minutes
Description: the player(s) must travel to a part of the ocean to steal explosives from an underwater mining operation to blow open the vault door
-Thermal Charges-
Need: Mandatory
Difficulty: Easy-Medium
Time: 8-16 minutes
Description: the player(s) must steal thermal charges to melt open the gates inside the vault
-Reinforced armor-
Need: Optional
Usefulness: helpful
Difficulty: Easy-Medium
Time: TBA
Description: The player(s) steals a few sets of experimental armor from a faction to use in the heist as an option of clothing
Effect: unlocks the armor set to be used during the casino heist, the armor is like hiest heavy combat armor when used during the casino heist giving the players more Health but less Speed
-Boaring machine-
Need: Optional
Usefulness: TBA
Difficulty: Easy
Time: TBA
Description: The player steals a drilling machine from a driver hauling the machine
Effect: TBA
—The Big Con Setups—
-Drills-
-Disguises-
-TBA-
——Phase 1 equipment——
On the phase 1 planning board you can buy equipment for finding points of interest or practice on mini-game type puzzle you need to complete while going to or when you reach the vault, you can buy equipment such as:
a model of the casino for $130,000 (Which shows points of interest)
A replica of the casinos security system for $425,000 (for practice with hacking)
And a replica vault door for $900,000 (for practice with drilling)
By taking photos of the security system and vault blueprints in the casino you unlock the option to buy the security system and vault door for practice
Once the equipment is purchased, it will stay permanently in your arcades basement
In order to practice you will need the vault drills (explosives do not count) and/or the hacking device
These items will need to be sourced each time you start a new heist if you wish to practice
My personal recommendation is to avoid this equipment as it’s price greatly outweighs its purpose, since everything can be learn relatively easy during the actual run
——Hacking——
Here’s a quick guide on the hacking during the casino heist
First it should be noted that failing or aborting a hack while undetected will trigger the alarm
There are two types of hacking
Hack 1: Memory
A 6x6 panel of dots will randomize in a pattern of 6 dots going left to right, the player’s job is to memorize this pattern and recreate it to pass the hack, they player may need to do this several times
These hacks have been found really difficult and can be skipped entirely by having a level 2 keycard
Hack 2: finger print
The player is presented with a full image of a finger print and 8 fragmented images of a finger print, all the player must do is select 4 of the 8 fragments that match the full finger print and run the scan
This isn’t as hard as the memory hack, but this can waste time, so be quick but be sure in your decision
A tip for this is to go ahead and match the obvious ones and then study the smaller details of a fragment to try to find it on the full image
——Bugs, Exploits, and other Glitches——
PATCHED If the player leaves the session before finishing “Vault contents” the player can replay the setup for a chance at a better target such as paintings and gold instead of cash
During the heist, a police maverick will spawn on the roof of a nearby police station, the players can grab it before it takes off, but once it’s gone from the helipad it won’t respawn during the same heist even after a quick restart
PATCHED The player can duplicate the gold bar on a tray by leaving a single bar and leaving the tray, start collecting the tray again to spawn a new set of bars
submitted by Continuing… That being handled, I leave a wakeup call for 0430 as I want a shower and a couple shower-sunrisers before we leave. It takes me about 10 minutes to pack. I call home to let Es know what’s going on. She’s not in, so I leave a message. Same for my friends Rack and Ruin of the Agency. They’re thrilled so far with my reports.
The security forces here are absolutely going to freak if they reverse-review my phone records once we leave.
Covert? Schmovert. I’m too old for playing such games.
The next morning, after a sudsy shower and a couple of vodka-infused shower-beers; I’m in the lobby with all my kit, checked-out, and waiting on the tour leader. My passport was stamp-stamp-stampity-stamped here at the hotel, which I thought was weird, but after spending time in this here country, not all that unusual.
At 0545 on the dime, the tour bus pulls into the lot. Without a word, bellhops grab near all my kit and escort it out to the waiting bus.
After tipping each extravagantly, I fire up a huge cigar, and wander around outside, loitering by the bus. I see members of my team at the front desk, checking out. Everything’s been paid for already, they just have to sign documents that they’re not secreting hotel towels or televisions or errant nationals in their luggage.
It’s a weird country.
I see them loading box breakfasts for us as well as box lunches on the bus.
Hell, they’re actually doing ‘field trip’ correctly.
If the bus us fueled up, we can go for days at this rate. There are several coolers bearing the hotel’s brand and I sidle over to see what they’re carrying.
Case after case of iced-down beer and a couple of cases of various high-octane potables; and over there? A couple of boxes of mixers…ah, soda…pop…carbonated citrusy goodness.
“OK”, I sigh, “All is as it should be. Now the field excursion may begin.”
My teammates filter outside as does their luggage. I suggest they get out and keep what is necessary for preliminary outcrop excursions; such as a backpack or knapsack, hammer, acid bottles, field notebooks, Brunton compass, lighters, cameras, personal tobacco products, and the like in the bus. That way, we don’t have to go tearing through all the luggage at every stop.
I pull out a bundle of 100
Hubco™ large geological
dual-sample bags. That’s right: ‘dual’ sample…
I distribute these to everyone on the team. I ask that they devise their own numbering system and make absolutely certain I have a copy of it when we’re done. I’ll be correlating and curating all the samples when we get back to the world.
I ask that a cooler of drinks are left on board the bus, rather than in the hold. It’s humid, sticky, and muggy today. We must expend valiant effort in remaining hydrated and this will help.
Luckily, the bus has on-board lavatory facilities.
We are seated on the bus, my 10 collective team members, myself, our 4 ‘guides’, ‘Yuk’, ‘No’, ‘Man’, and ‘Kong’; our driver, relief driver, one incredibly shy national geologist, Myung-Dae Soo, and four of the shiny suit clan.
The hotel wheels out a large cart laden with pastries and a huge coffee urn. A bit of a “
Bon Voyage” from the casino and bar crowd, as they put this together for us when they heard we were leaving.
“Hey. That’s really nice of them.” Dax notes.
Dax handed over our raw “elevator waiting” funds as we didn’t have time to run it through the casino-machine before we left. We donated over 75,000 won to our friends at the bar, casino, and massage parlor. The ones delivering our going away present assured us it would be divided equitably.
“It best be”, I laughed, “You never know when one of us might be back!”
There was a collective horrified look on their faces for the merest moments. Then they all laughed and said that they hoped we would return someday soon.
“Nice folks”, I thought, “Stupid as shit country, but nice folks.”
We had all separately left tips for the room maids, bellmen, and matrons back before we checked-out.
There was a flurry of handshaking and goodbyes. Not a bad hotel experience here in the so-called land of Best Korea.
Serious dark coffee was passed out amongst the riders, but Ivan, myself, and Dax were already giving one of my emergency flasks a workout.
Ivan smiled and said: “We drink our coffee the
Russian way. That is to say we had vodka before it and vodka afterward. HA!”
Ivan and I are cut from the same bolt.
Faux-doughnuts, pseudo-bear claws and fake-long johns all distributed; the bus is fired up, and rumbling. We are exhorted to watch our drinks as we pull away from the hotel and into the wilds of Northern Korea.
I’m humming away:
On the road again -Just can't wait to get on the road again,
The life I love is bashing rocks in the field with my friends.
And I can't wait to get on the road again
On the road again.
Goin' places that we've never been,
Seein' things that we may never see again…
--
“Rock?”, Dax inquires.
“Yes?” I reply.
“Do please shut up.”
“Music hater”, I muse and comply.
We’re rolling down the highway, as it were, headed generally north. We all have cameras of one kind or another; and rather than relieve us of them, they quietly and without much fuss, slowly darken the windows.
They claim it’s to keep the sun out and temperatures down, but just before things go all black, we’re seeing sights and scenes of the true North Korea. They’re trying to keep us from seeing that en route to the outcrops.
This new bus has some sort of electronic tint-control gizmo for the windows. However, if one has a pair of polarizing sunglasses, as all good field geologists do, you see right past that and can view the passing scenery unencumbered.
I return from a quick beer-recycling loo trip and am amused to see 10 Western scientists, sitting in a blacked-out bus, all wearing polarizing sunglasses.
It was just the surreal note this trip needed as we left the confines of the capital city.
We traveled north, and the empties pile began to grow. We had a few trash bags we had liberated from the hotel, but the shiny suits were very insistent that every empty can, bottle, and bag, yes they had beer in bags…had to be repatriated to a box in the far back of the bus.
Evidently, they either were paid a bounty on each container or were accountable for each vessel. They were soon to realize just the capacity for drink that a group of 11 seasoned very Senior Field Geologists, and one stowaway geologist-in-training can amass.
As we ply our way northward, we see the agricultural side of North Korea. The contrast between rural areas and the capital was striking. There were miles of rice paddies being harvested by people with sickles in their hands. And no cars on the highway. It was most destabilizing for this Westerner.
I think we saw a maximum of three tractors, as most of the work was done with ox power, there was very little evidence of rural electrification. Oh, hold on. We saw many more tractors, I should correct that: we saw three
running and not rusted
into oblivion tractors.
The farmers we see are using equipment that is quite literally medieval - single-share plows pulled by large, cranky bovines; sweeping sickles to bring in the harvest, and twin-engine, bilateral, botanical-fired ox-carts to transport it. It’s hard to believe that this third-world level of poverty exists in the same country that’s capable of building rockets, nuclear weapons, and tall, well-appointed hotels.
But when we stop at a motorway service station for fuel - a bizarre alien spaceship-like building squatting over the empty carriageways - we do encounter a
jangmadang, or semi-official market. Here they are selling cans of knock-off Vietnamese Red Bull and Malaysian-made King Cobra™ Cola.
It reminds me of Russia right after the wall fell. Off the Trans-Siberian Railway in Krasnoyarsk, the Gateway to Eastern Siberia. You can buy Chinese hams, Chinese sodas, Chinese knock-off liquor, and those bloody delicious little bullets of Vitamin-C, Chinese mandarins.
Here, it’s similar. You can get most anything you desire, except it isn’t of Korean manufacture. That stuff is even too shitty to pawn off on tourists.
Instead, it’s knock-off Malaysian, Chinese, or Indonesian beer, wine, or soft drinks.
“Tiger-brand energy drink. Now with 40% more real tiger.” Here? I believe them.
Vodka from everywhere not known for its vodka distilling prowess. Rural hotel shops sell nastily stale crisps, gummy gummies, filling-ripping ‘chewy’ taffy or caramel, and biscuits with a severely limited choice. Rural hotels do not have full electricity so beer is warm and often tossed on the table, waiting for tourists to arrive - as is the food. We were warned to be prepared for cold rice, cold fish, cold potato – and plenty of kimchi and tofu.
Back on the road again, we’re passing small burgs that are not on any of our maps; even the ones we traded for back in the hotel that are specially marked: “For Internal Use ONLY!”.
They were amazingly the same. Clean. Bright. Uncluttered. And attended by cadres of prim, uniform-clad, though non-military people. They were all doing a day’s work keeping everything neat and clean.
There were no cars, trucks, forklifts…only rickshaws and ox-carts. However every one of these ‘towns’ were identical, and exactly, as Ivan pointed out, ‘X’ number of minutes apart.
“Watch! Is so!”, Ivan said. We passed one of these villages, and exactly 3 minutes later, an exact copy. Three minutes later? Another one. 3 more minutes? Xerox-city.
“What the fuck?” Dax asked.
“Potemkin village.” Comrade Dr. Academician Ivan replied.
A Potemkin village is any construction, literal or figurative, whose sole purpose is to provide an external façade to a country which is faring poorly. It is for making people believe that the country is faring better, although statistics and data would suggest otherwise.
“Russia pioneered the process,” Ivan noted with no small amount of pride. “During Cold War with West, entire cities were built, moved, raised, and razed. Ever hear of Krasnoyarsk-25? Atomic Research City? Supposed place of weapons study and manufacture. Huge ‘accident’. Entire city demolished, total populace relocated supposedly, after massive nuclear calamity.”
“Is that true? Cliff asks.
“No. Not at all.” Ivan smiles, “Deliberate misinformation. At least for K-25. It was diversion for actual towns where accidents; nuclear, biological, or worse, had happened. West so concerned about K-25 because it was big, near big capital city of Krasnoyarsk and suitably located out in the taiga. Easy to spot, easy to watch. Kept Western satellites busy while real towns of I-33, U-10, and AR-13 out in the forest were quietly demolished and people relocated or mass buried after some horrible, horrible accidents...”
“You think it’s the same here?” I asked Ivan.
“No, Dr. Rock”, Ivan smiled, and helped himself to my freshly constructed, but untouched, Yorshch, “This is all fake and bluster. Make West think everything is all A-OK, is that right idiom?”
“Yep.” I reply, “Precisely.”
“Make West believe all is OK and green”, as he winks at me, “And bustling and growing. Cover up what is real case here. We all see it and we see right through. Shoddy even for Asians.”
We all had to snicker and smirk as the shiny suit squad, who sat up at the front of the bus, and were not supposed to be listening; reacted like every cell in their bodies were just hit with a drop of pure lemon juice.
“Comrade Dr. Academician. Decorum, please.” I snickered.
“Oh, fuck them!”, Ivan replied, “I am old Russian. They try and pull burlap over my eyes? St. Petersburg? Moscow? Krasnoyarsk.? I’ve been there, seen them. They think this display of tawdriness…Even goofy American and Canadian can see the fakes they are. Britisher? I’m not so sure…”
“Damn, Doctor., I said to Ivan, “You’re just making friends all over the planet today.”
We all knew it was in jest; but the shiny suit squad certainly had their feathers ruffled and either didn’t care or wanted us to know we were under their observation.
“Fuck them twice”, Ivan said, “Ask them for bottle opener. I’m too lazy to search for my field jackknife.”
I hand him my pocket Leatherman and he pries the top of another bottle of ‘Budveiser’ beer.
“They can’t even make fake the name correctly”, he smirks and drains the bottle.
‘Town’ after ‘town’ and even that parade gets uninteresting. We’re headed north and finally come to a crossroads.
The bus driver, who must be a regular paranoid-maniac because he actually stopped to look for oncoming traffic, which we have seen precisely none since leaving the capital city, made a hard right. We’re heading back and up into the hills, leaving the bright lights of the big city far behind.
After an hour or so of driving, we pull off to the left-hand side of the road.
“Rock, Ivan, Cliff…holy shit, look at this!” Dax was uncharacteristically excited.
It was an open field that leads to a series of low outcrops of polychromatic, obviously sedimentary rocks. Magentas, greens, purples, rust-reds, browns, blacks, olive greens…holy shit. A real sedimentary pile.
We filed out of the bus with our field gear. The shiny suit squad started in with a bullhorn.
“You will wait for tour guides!”
“You will listen to group leaders!”
“You will not stray from the designated paths set up…”
No one heard them as the group of 11 remaining Western geoscientists were already across the highway and hieing for the exposures like outcrop-seeking multiple-warhead re-entry vehicles.
“You must wait!” we heard from exasperated voices back at the bus. “You must stop!”
“You must piss off!” Cliff said, “This is what we’ve been waiting over two weeks to see!”
“They are very angry with us”, Myung-dae the young Korean geologist said. “I find that just too bad.”
“And you are?” I asked.
Myung-dae Soo, the young Korean geologist, introduced himself.
“Well”, I said, “Welcome aboard. I’m Dr. Rock.”
“They are very, very angry”, he repeats.
“So? Are you tagging along to give them internal reports?” I asked.
“No, Doctor”, he replied, “I too am a geologist. I want to get away from those assholes and see some real rocks.”
“Who are you with?” I ask, “What group?”
“I am 5th-year student at Pyongyang College. I am not
officially here. We were told in class that you were coming. I decided to see if I could join you. This morning, I was standing by bus and they thought I was hotel worker or orderly. I was given cooler full of beer and told to find place for it on the bus. I did and after that, just stayed in the back. I am stowaway. I am ashamed, but I had to see for myself. But, I like Western field trips so far!”
“No shit? Well, then”, I said, “Double welcome aboard. None of this ‘I am ashamed’ shit. You’re a geologist, but you haven’t even worked through your first field-evening get-together with us. But this is no pleasure cruise. It’s real work, real geology, real serious science shit. You savvy?”
“Yes, sir, Doctor Rocknocker from Sultanate in the Middle East.” Myung-dae smiled.
“And you fucking stay close to me”, I smirked.
I fired a couple of
BLAAATS! from my portable air horn.
“Field Meeting! Field Meeting! Assholes & Elbows!” I called aloud.
Everyone gathered within earshot.
“OK, guys, here’s the deal. We do not know how long we’ve got here. So, let’s split up into teams. Geophysicists, go do your structural thing. Stratigraphers? Field relations. Geologists? Let’s go talk to some ronery-rooking-rocks. No offense, Mr. Myung.”
Myung-dae was laughing up a storm. He got that reference. He later told us all around the campfire he thought ‘Team America’ was a “fucking hilarious movie.”
Oh, we are going to be a
real bad influence on this poor kid.
The groups spontaneously broke up into 4 or 5 sub-groups. They headed for areas they thought were important and they were photographing, measuring, pounding on rocks, and arguing within minutes.
“No, you idiot! It’s continental. Look at those adhesion ripples.”
“The fuck you know. It’s only a little low-level eggbeater tectonics. Where the fuck would you get continental collision-size energy around here?”
“Oh, the fuck you say. It’s non-marine. Those are mud cracks. Look at the sandy aeolian infill, fer chrissake.”
Formal? Proper? Detached Doctors of Geology?
Not when you’re in the field. It all goes out the window when different opinions collide like subducting plates.
“The music of my people!” I said to Morse.
“I thought that was the ‘Safety Dance’?” he chided.
“We’re a big family. We can have more than one.” I snickered.
We’re wandering around the site, with individual purpose.
We are looking for or looking at
items of interest.
We’re hacking at the outcrops.
We’re all looking at…
things.
It’s hard to describe. Get a load of geologists or geology students out of the office, lab, or classroom; stick them out on a bare expanse of heavily weathered rock and it’s simply…numinous.
We’re rebuilding worlds here.
This rock says this.
This rock says that.
And you’re not fluent in that dialect. Here, let me interpret for you…
We’re at each other’s throats, in the academic-metaphorical sense. Tempers have been known to run hot. There has been the occasional bloody nose or rocks sailing down an outcrop without the obligate “HEADACHE!” call. Hammers and Marsh Picks have ended up swimming without the owner’s knowledge.
But once we’re back; settled in the hotel room, tavern, or around the campfire, we’re all a Band of Brothers again. It’s an odd thing to watch; as if you’re not of the clan, you’d need an interpreter. It defies all boundaries: political, sexual, educational, geographical, linguistic, social,
et cetera.
We’re all geologists first. We share the common scientific bond of Geology.
That’s why Geology is
the First Science.
Plus we tend to drink a serious fucking whole bloody awful lot.
We’ve all been on that ‘crawlin’ home puker’.
We’ve also been to the ends of the earth: the deepest depths, the highest heights, we deal with the greatest pressures, the hottest temperatures; we’ve been to the mountain, we’ve seen the elephant, and we’ve held a bear’s nose to dogshit.
We wear the scars attained in our travels like badges of honor.
We’re God-Damned
Scientists.
Back off, man.
Geologist comin’ through. Anyways, I’m looking at the bedding-plane boundaries between the purple unit and the underlying olive-green unit. The upper unit it looks, to me, continental in origin. Fluvial, perhaps. The lower unit is much finer-grained. Marine mudstone, perhaps? But what age?
The cadged Korean Geological maps are worse than useless. They never would go down to the outcrop scale. Consulting them, they don’t even note these exposures in a field sense.
Myung-dae, who is working about 35 meters down-section from me calls out, “Doctors! Sirs! Look here! I’ve found something!”
We all wander over as he is hacking away at the dusty, eroded rock. He stands and dusts off his find.
It’s a very large, nearly 1-meter diameter, coiled fossil cephalopod.
I wander over for a closer look. Dax, Cliff, Morse, and Ivan do as well.
“Blimey! Will you look at that? Outstanding, Mr. Myung!” Cliff says.
“Well, that confirms it. This layer, at least, is marine. Look at that suture pattern”, I say, dusting off an unweathered bit.
“Look at the radius of coiling.”, Cliff joins in.
We’re slowly wresting information out of this silent witness.
“Ornamentation?”, Dr. Ivan asks. “Knobs, bosses, and excrutions?” Oh, yes.”
In unison, we declare: “
Hyphoplites!”
Morse adds, “And therefore…these rocks are middle Cretaceous. Marine. Not bad…”
“Need to get some samples for geochemical analysis. Dig deep, gentlemen, we need unweathered samples for TOC (Total Organic Carbon) content.”, Dr. Erlen Meyer notes.
With that, we have a relative age of the rock, a good idea of its depositional environment, and therefore extent, ideas of field relationships, and an indication of some of its fauna.
Could it be source rock worthy?
Samples? Best get diggin’, Beaumont.
That unit is right smack in the middle of this pile of rocks. Dax and I will work up-section and Ivan and Cliff will work down-section. We’re going to see what lies above, what lies below, what trends we can discern, and develop an idea of what happened here some 100 million years ago.
This is what happens when you get geologists out in the field with the proper amounts of field gear, outcrops, and alcohol.
Overall, the deeper down-section, and therefore, earlier in geological time you go, the more marine the rocks are. Conversely, the higher you go in the column, i.e., up-section, into younger rocks, the more continental it appears.
We find fragments of marine fish fossils, sea-crocodile scutes and teeth, heaps of mosasaur coprolites, i.e., fossil shit piles, and other indications that the lower, older rocks are Lower Cretaceous ocean basin-fill.
But up higher; we find mud cracks, rain prints, land turtle shells, land-snails (
Bellerophontid gastropods), and what may actually be a fossil feather. All indications of a more continental, i.e., fluvial (river), floodplain, lacustrine (lake), and paludal (swamp) deposition.
That’s my particular bailiwick.
I’m ‘elephant walking’ along the upper outcrops looking for fossils. You basically bend over at the waist and sweep from left to right as you take exaggerated step after step, scanning the ground looking for…well…it takes years, but once you see it, you never forget it.
“Fossil sign”.
A disjunct endemism. Something not
in situ. Something
out of place. A bit of a different, out of context color. Out of context texture. Out of context size. Out of context
context.
Something that looks like it shouldn’t ought to be there.
I’m picking up 1 cm. square hunks of what look like an ordinary rock. I taste them. Well, I stick them to my tongue. If it liquefies and runs away, it’s ordinary mudstone, shale, or the like.
If it sticks…well, it might just be fossil bone.
“PTWTWOO!”
“Damn right, Rock”, Cliff says from behind me, “Fucking North Korea tastes terrible.”
“Still, it’s the best way I know to…” I paused.
“Got something?” Cliff asked.
“Look here.” I said, “Anthill. Big, nasty buggers. Look around the edges. Pieces of flat, cream-colored rock on this gaudy purple stuff. Tongue test? They stick like cockleburs. Let’s look upslope, see if there’s a drainage…”
There it was, a nice little drainage incised about 1.5 meters deep into the nearly horizontal rocks we were walking on.
“Any float?” I asked.
“Not yet,” Cliff said.
We followed the weak, little drainage that was cut into the outcrop, up another couple of meters.
There were very scrappy, very small, very scattered pieces of that same cream-colored rock. Some were ornamented with a scroll-work or some sort of striations. Most un-geological. More biological. We followed the trail, up here, around here, over there.
Cliff noticed it first, a soccer-ball sized lump of completely out-of-place crème-colored ‘rock’ working its way out by gradual erosion of the variegated pastels of the continental rocks upon which we were treading.
I got there first and began to clear the area with my Estwing.
“Careful. Careful”, Cliff admonished.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mind your Mincies. [Mince pies = eyes]”, as I’m swinging away at the reluctant, reticent, rocks.
The excavation grew, slowly. From the rounded dome, we could see small sutures that had developed…
Then condyles, fenestrae, then more ‘bone’. Then a jaw, teeth, vertebrae…
“HOLY DOUBLE-DAMN SHIT!” I tootled my air horn. We needed the group to see this.
It was a skull. A dinosaur skull. A small, non-avian dinosaur skull.
Everyone has crowded around and looked at the small quarry we had just built.
“Whatcha got, Rock? Cliff?” Joon asked.
“Fuck me, but I think we’ve got us a dinosaur skull,” I said.
Professor Doctor Academician Ivan walked over and cleared the area.
As Professor Emeritus, he had pole position priority.
“I agree.” is all he said.
I cleared the area and let others take a whack at opening up the quarry.
We may have been low on power tools, but we had a surfeit of opinions.
“OK,” I said, “Let’s look at the facts…”
- Age? Cretaceous. Probably lower to lower-middle Cretaceous.
- Continental deposits. That’s very fine sand we’re hacking away. Fluvial, without a doubt. Or, possibly aeolian; there’s no such thing as a geological certainty. Dunes? Ephemeral creeks? Low floodplain? Geo-talk… .
- Small size. Potentially a juvenile?
- Nope. Not a juvie. Sutures are closed, fused. This is, well was, an adult; perhaps a subadult, given its size.
- In situ? In place? Or washed in?
Hard to tell when all you’ve exposed is half the critter’s brain box.
“Look at that!” Myung-dae exclaimed, “Squamosal bones and the inner parietals…temporal fenestrae. It had a frill; a small one.”
“OK,”, I said, looking closely at the exposed scrappy remains, “Fucking-A Bubba. Nailed it.” I said, giving him the thumbs up.
“Ceratopsian. Look at those greens-grinder molars. There’s some small osteoderms on the skull; knobby old bastard. Early critter.” I continued.
Others looked around and confirmed my observations.
“Reminds me of
Protoceratops from when I was back in Mongolia,” I said.
Dax chimed in with, “Looks something like
Psittacosaurus from back in the Cretaceous Belly River of Canada.”
Drs. Ivan and Morse agree. “Most assuredly. It is definitely proto-ceratopsian. Young adult, as Dr. Rock notes by the cranial sutures. Do they have a record of proto-ceratopsians here?”
Myung-dae replies, “I have read reports of Korean proto-ceratopsian found in South Korea. Not long ago, 2019, it is called…ah…
Auroraceratops. It is a genus of bipedal basal neo-ceratopsian dinosaur.”
“Bipedal?” I query. “Well, there’s a fine how do you do. All the proto-ceratopsians I’ve known were obligate quadrupeds.”
“Well”, Ivan, Dax, Cliff, and Morse agree, “That should give the shiny suit squad something to report. That’ll keep them the hell out of our hair for a while.”
We photograph each step as we excavate the critter. It’s more or less
in situ, buried where it fell. Probably killed by a sand slip off a dune, or a river sandbar slip and burial. It’s not complete, but we do have the skull and a good portion of the post-cranial elements to about just before the pelvis. A good pectoral girdle, skull, jaw, frill, forelimbs, forefeet…easily half-a cute little herbivorous dinosaur. About the size of a smallish Highland Coo or large Great Dane.
We flag it with the team particulars, it’s GPS position, and carefully rebury the animal. We don’t have any of the equipment nor time to excavate it properly, but we can conserve it. Of course, we’ll be informing the proper authorities of our discovery.
I have an absolutely ancient Polaroid instant camera. Before re-internment, I take several pictures of our “
Koreasaurus”, as we’ve dubbed the animal, with items for scale; like a hammer, cigar, and oddly enough, a photographic scale. Then I get a photo of the whole crew standing around, drinking warm beers from their individual day packs, smiling about the find ‘they‘ made.
We hear the melodious tootle of the bus’s horns. We make sure to pack out all our trash and wander back to our terrestrial transport.
“You were gone too long!” the chief shiny suited character goes all ballistic on me.
“Watch yourself, Herr Mac.”, I calmly said, “You’re going to burn your nose on my cigar.”
“You left without your handlers…err…guides!” he fumed.
“Hey, Scooter. Cool out. We’re geologists. We never get lost.” I said.
It sometimes just takes us longer to get back than it took us to leave…
“Your impertinence will be reported.” He smoldered.
“Report this, Mother Chuckler”, I observed and held out the pictures of our newly discovered
Koreasaurus.
“Show those photos to
your handlers,” I said in a mocking tone. “We found a brand new species of God-damned dinosaur for you geezers. It took us less than two hours. You can spin it that it’s a new, never-before-seen species of very specialized dinosaur found right here in beautiful Korea del Norte. Be quite the scientific coup, don’t you think? Trust us. We won’t say anything.”
He immediately shut up and went into conference with the rest of the shiny suit squad.
“Doctor”, one of the clan covert asked, “This is a new dinosaur?”
I had a thunderbolt of an idea.
“Oh! Yes, it is. I’d stake my reputation on it. You’ve had no concerted search here for the beasts and well, with the normalizing of relations between your country and the world, it allowed your specialists to perform real science. In fact, on the bus is the young North Korean geoscientist who made the discovery.” I said. “Give me a minute. I’ll go and get him. I think he was off taking a shi…ah, using the lavatory. Just give me a minute.”
I did have an idea. A wonderful idea. A wonderfully evil idea.
Back on the bus, I ordered the doors closed.
“Gentlemen! Ears and eyes! Please.” I said loudly.
Continuing…
“The shiny suits have their knickers all a-twist because we don’t want to listen to them; the assholes. Fuck that. I’ve got an idea. Let’s make our young acolyte here, Mr. Myung-dae Soo, a national hero. He would probably get his ass in a crack for sneaking on board the Western bus today the way he did. Well, double fuck that. Let’s all say
he found the dinosaur. Let him take the glory for the homeland. No one else will ever need to know.” I said smiling.
“Fuck Yeah! You bet! Замечательное! Ihmeellisiä! Maravilhoso! Geweldig!”
Good to know we’re all on the same page. Geologists. You can always count on them…
“Mr. Myung-dae Soo? Front and center. Time to go and become ‘Hero of Best Korea’.” I smiled.
He was absolutely terrified.
“Doctor…I …don't…wait…no…” he stammered.
Cliff, Dax, Ivan, and I trotted him out to confront the shiny suit squad.
“Don’t worry, Myung. We’ve got your back. Trust us.” I said in a low conspiratorial tone.
The shiny suit squad turned as one and gave Mr. Myung the Stink Eye treatment.
“Here you go. The man of the hour. Mr. Myung-Dae Soo, young geologist and up and coming paleontologist.” I say loudly and with the utmost honor.
They look at him and the Korean erupts in rapid-fire staccato bursts.
Cliff just wanders in and interjects, “Yes. Righto. Top form. Found the float. Tracked down that dino like he was on safari. Highest marks. Good man!”
Dax adds more fuel to the fire. “Like he knew where to go, knew where to look. He’s a natural.”
Dr. Academician Ivan blustered forth: “Excellent scholar. Excellent field man. Banner geologist.”
I couldn’t have added more. The shiny suit squad was gobsmacked.
I asked Myung-dae what they were saying.
“They were talking about reprisals. Reporting to authorities. Then, they stopped. You have them completely confounded.” He said.
“How so?” I asked, quietly.
“Between an international incident where we don’t listen to our handlers and this potential important scientific discovery.” Mr. Myung-dae reported, trying hard to parse the evolving situation.
“Yes”, I added to Ivan’s bluster.
To the shiny suits: “I’ve worked as visiting Dinosaurian Vertebrate Paleontology Curator at all the major American museums. This is a find quite unlike anything known. It is a watershed discovery. It will help unravel the evolution and distribution of the clan
Dinosauria for the whole Korean Peninsula. Perhaps, even with international impact on the recent finds in China.”
I laid it on with a trowel.
I hit all the buzzwords.
“Yes. Yes, perhaps.”, the head shiny-suiter said. “I will report this bit of very good news to the proper authorities. Myung-dae, with us. We require more information.”
“Ah, we’d prefer him to ride in back with us if you don’t mind. Scientific courtesy, old man. He needs to be classically de-interviewed after such a find.” I insisted, making certain I stand as tall, wide, and menacing as possible while smiling like a damned Cheshire cat, one smoking a very large cigar.
“Very well. We are not far from our evening stop. We can talk later.” He agreed.
We all moseyed, laughing silently, back to the bus; literally supporting our young hero Mr. Myung-dae as he seemed to have gone all wobbly of late.
Myung-dae was ashen-white. He looked like he had just given birth to a basketball. He was visibly shaking.
We get on the bus and I whip up a stout Yorshch for the young hero of the hour.
“Here! This is for you. If you’re going to be a world-class geologist, you’d damn sure better start acting like one.” I smile broadly.
There were hoots, cheers, and cat-calls.
Beers were popped, bottles uncorked; cigars, cigarettes, and pipes lit.
“Damn Skippy!” some anonymous reveler added.
Myung-dae slurped a good half the drink. I offered him a cigar. He stopped shaking enough to accept the novel offer.
Remember “crawlin’ home puker”? He’s taken his first step into a larger world.
OK, just to recap. Here are the
dramatis personae left on the bus…
Bus driver (Kim) and his relief (Won).
My team and I. That’s 11 Western geoscientists: Morse, Cliff, Volna, Ack, Viv, Graco, Erlen, Dr. Academician Ivan, Joon, Dax, and myself.
Then there are our guides: Yuk, No, Man, and Kong.
Our stowaway hero geologist-in-training: Myung-dae Soo, aka, “Mung”.
And the four members of the shiny suit clan: Pak, Mak, Tak, and Jak. At least, that’s the names we used when we addressed them.
The bus was rumbling down the deserted highway. We were headed more or less due east, passing the occasional Potemkin Village. They knew we cracked their code long ago, so they didn’t bother with darkening the windows any longer.
We are passing a series of highway road cut outcrops. We’re only going approximately 35 or 40 miles per hour. Suddenly, Morse jumps out of his seat and runs up to the driver.
“STOP! STOP! Back up! We almost missed it!” he barks in heavily Russian inflected English.
The driver, shaken to the core, just slams on the brakes. The bus grinds to a stop. Good thing there’s no traffic out here.
Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Jak of the suit clan jumps up and asks “What is the problem?”
“How could you miss that?” Morse shouts. “Huge fault. Mineralization. I saw that from a glimpse. We must return to investigate.”
“Is not possible. We have appointment at the hotel.” Jak replies.
“Fuck that!”, Morse shouts. I guess he’s just really into faults…
I wander up and try to defuse the situation.
“OK, guys, cool out. Let’s be reasonable. Do it our way. Go back to that road cut. We spend a half-hour there then we go on to the hotel. The hotel will still be there when we arrive, won’t it? Even if we’re a bit late?” I ask.
Jak looks to Pak, who converses with Mak and Tak. They know they’re outgunned.
The driver shifts the bus into reverse and we
back down the luckily deserted highway over a mile to the outcrop in question.
We had to admit, it was a mother beautiful normal fault. In perfect, textbook cross-section.
Morse and Joon were on it like white on rice; given the mineralization along the fault plane. All sorts of implications for the thermal and geological history of the area. But with just one exposure like this, more or less just a real interesting geo-oddity.
We spent precisely 30 minutes at the exposure, and when our handlers requested we re-board and head to the motel, we complied like nice, normal sort of folks.
I believe the appropriate maxim here is: “Lull them into a false sense of security…”
Once more down the road we travel. Beers popped, bottles uncorked; you know, the usual.
Forty-five minutes later, we pull into, I kid you not, a replica US of A 1950s
Motor-Inn.
“Mr. Myung”, I ask, “What the hell is this?”
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